In one of my TV college courses for our final project we had to take a series on TV and write an episode for it.
I chose Family Guy.
THIS IS A FAN FICTION SCREENPLAY
FAMILY GUY
“BRIAN’S OLD”
WRITTEN BY
CASSANDRA ROSE BUITTNER
A VVVVIOLACEOUSCREATIONS.COM
Shooting draft
04/17/2024
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, COPYRIGHT @2024 VVVVIOLACEOUSCREATIONS. NO PORTION OF THIS SCRIPT MAY BE PERFORMED, PUBLISHED, REPRODUCED, SOLD, OR DISTRIBUTED BY ANY MEANS OR QUOTES OR PUBLISHED IN ANY MEDIUM, INCLUDING ANY CORPORATION. DISPOSAL OF THIS SCRIPT COPY DOES NOT ALTER ANY OF THE RESTRICTIONS SET FORTH ABOVE.
“BRIAN’S OLD”
OPENING THEME
COLD OPEN
EXT. GRIFFIN’S HOUSE - DAY
- Family guy music after opening video, and start of the show, happy music .
Here we see the Griffin’s house from externally.
INT. GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
We have Meg, Chris, and Peter sitting on the couch watching TV with Brain sitting on the floor.
TV GIRL 1
And after I got into that accident, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It was like the best luck ever.
TV GIRL 2
Oh wow, I wish I could wreck my car and not be pregnant. I don’t want my baby at all.
TV GIRL 1
Yeah, now that I’m not pregnant I don’t have to worry about raising a kid. But, I am out of a car, haven’t been to work in a month, but my figure is looking great!
TV GIRL 2
Wow, I’m so jealous!
TV
We’ll be right back after these messages to hear a couple lines and end the show to have more commercials.
EXT. GRIFFIN’S DRIVEWAY - DAY
Lois pulls into the driveway and starts unloading groceries.
INT. GRIFFIN’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Everyone in the living room sits still.
MEG
Sounds like mom’s home from the store.
CHRIS
Yeah, I wonder what she’s making for dinner.
PETER
Meg shut up. Chris, I also wonder what is for dinner.
BRIAN
(Sighs)
That means Stewie will be up from his nap soon.
PETER
You hear Lois carrying too many groceries at the door and none of us getting up to help.
(Looks at camera)
That’s the typical family of today.
(Back talking to family)
Everybody ignore her texts. Nobody get up. If she drops something we can return it for store credit and get a new one. Just like that time *Gag, cutaway*
1. I BOUGHT THAT BOWLING BALL.
PETER DROPS BOWLING BALL ON MAN’S FOOT AT REGISTER AS HE PULLED OUT CASH TO YELL AND DROP WALLET FOR PETER TO TAKE.
2. I WENT TO THE TRANSFORMERS STORE AND WALKED OUT TO SEE MARK WALBERG IN THE WINDOW AND TOSS HER INTO A TRAFFIC AND A GET A MEGATRON.
*CUTAWAY GAG*
INT. GRIFFIN’S KITCHEN - DAY
Lois kicks the kitchen door open; struggling with groceries.
LOIS
I’m home! Kids! Peter! Brian. Peter!
Nearly dropping items she stumbles carrying too much and slams everything down on the counter.
LOIS
(to herself)
Oh, right away Lois. Be right there. Oh no, let me you do so much for us.
Lois reaches into one of the bags to pull out a sugary snack and consume it as she puts everything away.
INT. GRIFFIN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Lois enters the living room to go right to Brain scratching behind his ear and down his back.
LOIS
Oh, Brian, look at you! Look at you! You want scratchies behind the ear? You’re such a good boy, good boy!
BRIAN
(eyes rolled enjoying)
Yes. Yes, I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. Aww... yeaaahhh.
(His leg kicks)
PETER
Hey, Brain what are you doing with your leg?
CHIS
I know this!
(Raises hand screaming)
Pick me, I know the answer! I never have my hand up!
LOIS
Yes, Chris.
CHIS
Umm...
(He stands to clear throat)
Dogs express themselves in a variety of wats. When they are scratched in certain ways a nerve is hit that in moderation they love. Over use, like the penis or vagina, can cause irritation and be uncomfortable. Chris Griffin. Thanks.
(He sits back down)
MEG
Wow, Chris. You know a lot about dogs.
CHIS
Everyone knows that about dogs, Meg.
LOIS
Who’s a good boy! Tummy Rubs! You want the Tummy rubs! Look at you! Now both legs are kicking. You like that Brian, your our family dog!
CHIS
Mom, are you okay? I never seen you pet Brian before. Usually you’re one of those mom’s who lets the family have their dog and mad you are the only one taking care of it.
MEG
Mom, it looks like you seen another dog today or person you find a need to attach to. I’ve been reading into psychology and for woman of mom’s age she may be having a mid-life crisis. Symptoms that could be healthily pushed toward raising Stewie better than you raised Chris and I.
PETER
Meg, do you have a degree in psychology?
MEG
No.
PETER
Do you have any college degree at all?
MEG
No.
PETER
None of the words you said made sense to me except poop and diarrhea.
MEG
I didn’t say anything about poop and diarrhea. I was just saying that mom experienced something at the store to trigger this behavior.
PETER
Like I said, Meg, poop and diarrhea. Poop and diarrhea. That is what is in your bed waiting for you tonight after i tried this new fab of Apple Cider Vinegar this morning. So, unless you have a degree in sociology
MEG
Psychology
PETER
You have no right to claim anything about your mother.
MEG
I want to go to school for psychology
CHRIS
This isn’t about you, Meg. This is about mom and food. Like-
(child-like)
Mommy, what’s for dinner? An-and and and- what time will it be ready?
LOIS
(Stand normal)
Dinner will be ready between 6 and 7. I’m making a pork tenderloin. A recipe given to me at the store today. She had the most adorable dog with her in purse that looked just like a tiny cuter version of Brian.
BRIAN
What? W-wh-what feature did you find cute about me?
(clears throat)
I mean it?
LOIS
It got me to thinking if we should be one of those families that gets another dog who looks like our old one?
PETER
Let me get this straight? You think that we should get another dog that looks like Brian. That way, when he dies, we can all put love into the other dog and move on easier?
BRIAN
Wait? What!
CHIS
Yeah!
(Claps)
If it looks like Brian we know them so well when people come over we tell them this is Brian and that one is Smasher. For them to not understand how we tell them apart and we tell them it’s with love. Love is a powerful thing.
LOIS
Smasher! How adorable!
(pets Brian)
You love a tiny smasher wouldn’t you! Wouldn't you! Aw, tummy rubs and belly scratches! Brian, Brian.
PETER
With a tiny puppy chewing on everything, the name fits great! Even though he is not smashing, a destructive name is fitting for a dog we raise from puppy stages to dog. With Brian the big dog we will often yell at him to tell him to train the puppy even through it is clearly always the puppy’s fault.
CHIS
Let’s get 2 of them!
(hands in air)
Be one of those families!
BRIAN
(Stands up shoving Lois)
You guys can’t get another dog. I’m the dog.
LOIS
(scratches his ear from behind and back)
Yes you are. You are the dog. A good doggy woggy. You want treats? You want treats? I bought you treats today.
BRIAN
I have been with this family for years! If you just go and- wait, did you say treats?
(Faces Lois)
What- what sort of treats and why am I allured by this? Cause, cause... I do want treats.
(his tail wags)
Cause I am a good boy.
(Side low to Meg)
Meg, let’s talk later about what you said.
LOIS
Treats are in kitchen! If you sits I gives you one, come on, come on Brian, good boy!
Lois enters the kitchen.
Brian looks around at everyone sad.
BRIAN
I can’t believe you would just want to get another dog just because of how Lois’ day went.
LOIS
(from kitchen)
Brian! You want the Treat?
BRIAN
Umm... Look the TV!
Brian runs to the kitchen.
INT. STEWIE’S ROOM - DAY
Stewie is in his room doing evil genius things.
He Gets a notification to look at a special screen with tracking GPS locations all over the city for a variety of things and people.
He seems happy, but heartbroken to grab his heart and hold in a cry.
Seeing Lois heading up the stairs, he hides everything and climbs into his crib to pretend he was sleeping and have Lois wake him up.
INT/EXT. CONTINUOUS – NIGHTTIME
Brian spends all night at the bar drinking and walks home, stumbling, talking and complaining about not being old and how his family is betraying him if they get a puppy. He sees an old dog laying in a doghouse in a backyard to walk over and talk to him.
BRIAN
(drunk)
You think you got it made? Look at you, outside and not inside with your family.
The dog tries to sniff Brian’s butt to just plop down old not caring.
BRIAN
Look at you, they say I’m old, you’re the ones that old.
(He cries some)
You all age too, damn it!
Brian runs home.
ACT ONE
EXT. FRONT YARDS - MORNING
The next day, Brian falls down when he tries to poop on Quagmire’s lawn.
BRIAN
Aw, not this morning! God, Brian. Too much. You drank too much.
QUAGMIRE
What the hell! Damn neighbor’s dog is ***shitting**** on my lawn again!
WOMAN
(stands next to Quagmire)
You know, you can call the police on him. Seems like he is old, maybe even sick by that face. You could even take them to court to have it put down if this is a reoccurring situation. I had a friend who had to put her dog down because a chicken flew over the fence and the dog killed it.
(She looks down sad)
When I took the case for Mr. Chicken, I thought I was getting KFC, like my internship days. Not a real case representing a chicken widow. I like dogs. But, not old sick ones like that.
(She points at Brian)
QUAGMIRE
Come on babe, that was good. That was just good. Different, but I laughed.
(closes the curtain)
Brian struggles to get up, to also be embarrassed.
JOGGER
So, unsanitary.
CLEVELAND
(Putting mail in box)
Oh, that’s nasty.
Brian hurries away to be stopped by Joe at his door.
JOE
Hold it right there, Brian.
(Hands ticket)
BRIAN
A ticket? For what?
JOE
It says right on there.
BRIAN
The pooper scooper law? I mean, I just forgot. It happens. Those late nights at the bar.
JOE
Do I need to add Histeria and dementia. There are plenty of crisis services to take you to be treated and in care for.
BRIAN
No. I-I’ll clean it up. Just let me clean myself up first. I don’t need this ticket.
JOE
Sorry, Brian. The owner of that lawn already filed the complaint for me to see you leave the seen with my own two eyes. The pooper scooper law is a serious thing.
BRIAN
$2,000! I don’t have that kind of money.
JOE
Don’t do the crime if you can’t pay the fine.
BRIAN
Geeze. Fine. I’ll figure it out. Just, please let me go inside. I’m embarrassed as is.
(Brain opens the front door)
JOE
Oh, and hey Brian. Not as Officer Swanson, but as Peter’s long-time friend and neighbor, I uh... I to know the shame of being squished in your own feces. Being in a wheel-chair-
(Brian closes the door)
Brain looks at himself in a mirror.
BRIAN
Am I really getting that old?
EXT/INT. RETIREMENT HOUSING - MID DAY
Brian goes for a walk. He looks into the windows of an old folks' home and worries he has traits of being old.
EXT. DOG PARK - MID DAY
Going past the dog park, Brian sees a couple selling puppies.
He sees how people are fawning over them and stops to act like a puppy. In the process he finds himself running around with a pack of dogs and his canine instincts blossom. He feels happy, especially when an owner gives all the dogs fancy treats for him to complain his family never gave him those before to chow down fast and beg like a dog to be awwed at.
INT/EXT. CONTINUOUS – MID DAY
Peter was at work to look out the window and see a lady walking by, (gag - or famous movie scene mocked and or song placed.) He follows the lady around.
INT. GOLDMAN’S PHARMACY - MID DAY
The Lady goes into Goldman’s pharmacy, being followed by Peter.
MORT
Here you go. Little-Dude’s medications are all ready and transferred to my clinic for the next 6 months.
LADY
Thanks a lot. Say, is there a fat middle aged guy hiding behind us? Should you call the cops?
MORT
(Squints and adjusts glasses)
That’s just Peter. You must somehow be involved with his weekly shenanigans or some how the inciting incident or conflict.
LADY
Okay! If you saw so. My boss told me things like this may happen. He was right! I should mail him a post card.
MORT
Goodie! An old fashion hand written note. And it’s nice you had a post card in your bag, but sad for my stand of them over there people walk by to say, who sends these? Plus, I can read what you write cause you have to buy a stamp from me.
LADY
No worries! It’s already stamped, but I will tip you for services rendered. I have tons of these post cards and love when I get to mail them.
(NCT 127 member on it)
Here you go.
(She gives Mort $5)
MORT
You were raised well and or well off in life. I like you. I hope you come to my store as often as possible. I know you will in 30 days to refill the prescription, but I want more of your money.
GUY
(walks in)
Look, post cards.
GUY 2
Who sends these?
REPEAT GAG LATER
LADY
Thanks! I gotta’ go. Bye.
MORT
See you soon!
(Waves, talks to screen)
That implies she will be back.
The lady stops to see Peter trying to hide behind a rack.
LADY
Hi there! I was told your name is Peter.
PETER
(Talks in his head)
And there she was. The most beautiful of all to enter Quahog graced me with her presence. Such beaty, frozen, I lost all ability to speak.
LADY
Umm... I have to go.
(She walks out of the store)
PETER
(screams)
You’re princess pretty!
LADY
(turns around)
Aww! Thank you! I appreciate that! You have a good soul. Now, you find something else to do and not waste anymore time following me. That way we can run into one another again and reminisce on this moment. Bye!
PETER
(to himself)
There she went. Saying words I did not understand, but inside could feel what she meant. *GAG LINE*
INT. POP CULTURE STORE - MID DAY
Meg is in a store looking at things trying to talk to people and be rejected.
MEG
That’s a great album!
(Man walks off)
I bet you would look great in that.
(Woman burns the shirt)
Have you ever tried these candies?
(Man stands still)
The lady walks in, Meg smiles and takes her photo posting about how pretty this lady is.
She walks near the lady who ends up picking up two green objects and talking to Meg.
LADY
These are perfect! They are exactly NCT green!
(makes eye contact with Meg)
Sorry.
MEG
I know. You weren’t talking to me and probably have ear buds in under that perfect hair.
LADY
No. I was talking to you. I was saying sorry because I have a habit of just directly speaking to people who don’t actually want me to.
MEG
Really? Me too!
LADY
It just seemed like an instinct to share my exact thoughts aloud to you. I’m so happy you don’t find it creepy.
MEG
Not creepy at all! In fact, I find it fascinating. I’ve been read psychology and your the first person I’ve met like that. Can I ask? What’s NCT?
LADY
NCT is my all time favourite band! I owe a lot to them, even though I never met them. It’s simple, but helped push me to where I am today. I consider them my Muses. Only, there leader left for his mandatory military service, as he is South Korean. I’ve been sad. Where I keep being reminded of him all over.
MEG
Oh! K-pop! I’ve heard of that. And, I find you even more fascinating, cause they say it is extremely healthy to have idols in your life to look up to and back stories. I’d like to hear all about it. But, I bet your too busy to hang out with someone like me.
LADY
I am looking for a drinking buddy. If you can manage that, I think we would make great friends. If I’m not being to assumptions.
MEG
Not at all! I love to slam down few brewkskies. Unless you like the fruity stuff more.
LADY
I love beer! Not so much into the fu-fu drinks. I know I look like one of those girls who order stuff by colour, but I like to sit and laugh at them or creep them out.
MEG
That’s awesome! I know plenty of those types and would have fun doing that too!
LADY
Cool! Here, I keep these cards with my number on it. Text me. I have an appointment to get to. Bye!
MEG
See-ya!
Meg smiles. She picks up the two green objects and buys them.
*Gives as gift later, put that in*
EXT. QUAHOG STREET - MID DAY
Chris sees the Lady walking down the street to follow her, (gag – or movie reference or poem or pop culture mock, maybe same song when Peter saw her.)
He is in aw to be staring smiling so much.
Quagmire sees Chris
QUAGMIRE
Hey, Chris! Another bitch with huge hoo-hahs?
CHRIS
Look, Mr. Quagmire. I never seen one of those before? I feel funny inside. Not the type I usually masterbaer for hours type of feeling.
QUAGMIRE
(smiles and awws)
That, Chris. That right there. You should feel funny inside. It’s a great feeling. Hold onto that feeling. The world has nearly killed off that endangered species.
(put and arm around Chris to point at the lady)
That right there... That’s a lady. A real fine lady. They don’t look like that anymore. Not since the 90s. Wish it wasn’t too late for my daughter to grow up and be a lady.
CHRIS
Wow! A lady!
(Pulls out phone)
QUAGMIRE
(stops the photo)
No. Not this one. This one, you ask. Don’t be a creep. You can loose an arm that way. Like a rose bush, nice to look at, thorns if you try to pick it.
CHRIS
Okay!
Chris and Quagmire hurry up to the lady like fan-gushed starstruck people seeing a celebrity.
QUAGMIRE
Go ahead. Ask the pretty lady.
CHRIS
Umm, umm, excuse me, beautiful lady, is it alright if my friend and I take your picture?
LADY
I love photos! Of course.
They take many photos.
LADY
Not to be rude. But, I do have an appointment I must keep. Hope you are happy with the shots. Bye!
CHIS
(to Quagmire)
I can’t look away.
QUAGMIRE
Don’t. It’s the best looking ass in all of Quahog. God! Wish I knew how or why they look like that and why not anymore! What has this world become? You used to be able to look at their backsides and find the loose skanks easy. Now they all are. Even by middle school.
CHIS
I don’t think you should talk of middle school girls like that.
QUAGMIRE
As a father, I can get away with it. I am not on school ground or within, you know what. Let’s Just go to commercial and skip this. I don’t want to think about things right now I just remembered.
- Commercial Break, then Family Guy music return.
INT. GRIFFIN’S DINNING ROOM - NIGHTTIME
That night at dinner, Brian is feeling odd sitting at the table. Everyone happy, and him thinking of the dog park.
CHIS
Mom, these left overs are just as good as yesterday. Usually, I am like, I will eat out cause I don’t want to eat what we had yesterday, but this time, I am sad there won’t be any for tomorrow.
LOIS
Thank you Chris. That was very nice of you and we all have the lady at the grocery store I met to thank for the recipe. I should of got her number so we could have more meals like this.
PETER
Speaking of ladies. I saw the most gorgeous one ever in Quahog. Maybe, even all of the world!
*Tells a story like a fantasy fairy tale, narrating*
CHRIS
That describes the lady I saw today.
LOIS
The lady at the grocery store also had features as you described.
MEG
(Holds her phone up)
Did any of you see my post today! You all are describing my new friend.
Meg is ignored, to be sad. Then, happy when looking at a text with an address and time to get drunk to post about how she can’t wait to get wasted.
STEWIE
(Angry)
What the hell is wrong with you all? You never seen a good look person before? You never watch movies, huh? I don’t think so. Hollywood is all superficial. And, what’s with this Lady nonsense. She has a name. Use it. Or is she like most superficial people and only being nice to be nice not actually introducing herself to you all cause when she sits around at dinner she probably isn’t talking about any of you.
LOIS
Aw, Stewie. You want some attention. Why don’t you tell us what you did today?
STEWIE
Blast!
(Throws plate)
I took photos. Stop changing the subject. You know what? I’m excusing myself from this negative energy and may or may not rejoin the family for the rest of the evening.
LOIS
Don’t worry. He missed his nap today. He’ll probably sleep very well tonight. Brian, do you mind?
BRIAN
What? Cause I’m a dog, you think I just eat anything off the ground! Aren’t I too old!
(agitated)
LOIS
You don’t have to if you don’t want to.
BRIAN
Now, I’m too old! Huh?
Is that it. Watch the old dog too old to sit at the table, feed him off the dirty floor! Ca-cause he’s a dog, he don’t care!
PETER
Brian, you can just leave it there. Someone always cleans it up later.
LOIS
That someone is me, Peter.
PETER
Really?
(Tosses plate at Lois)
LOIS
Peter!
PETER
You said you clean it up, so clean it up.
BRIAN
Yeah, cause if you got a puppy they would choke on the plate pieces. I know better than to do that and only cut my tongue licking them.
LOIS
You know what! Everyone go watch TV. Sorry I asked.
Peter runs to the living room.
BRIAN
(sighs)
No, I got it Lois. I’m sorry. You go, go smoke a cigarette or whatever it is you do in the basement when your upset.
Lois leaves for Brian to be alone in the dining room. He starts to lick up the food standing on all 4 legs. He is enjoying the food to pick it all up on a plate.
INT. GRIFFIN’S KITCHEN - NIGHTTIME
Brian took his plate into the kitchen and looks at the door outside. He tosses the food into the grass.
EXT. GRIFFIN’S BACKYARD - NIGHTTIME
He decides to bury it, roll in it, and unbury it to eat it. It becomes the most best tasting dinner ever.
A man walks his dog by that barks at Brian and Brian barks back.
BRIAN
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff! Go away! This is my yard. My yard. I poop and pee here. Keep walking. My food! If you piss here I will only go over it reclaiming it. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!
Brian is winded and out of breath to lay on the grass realizing he is out of shape or is he just getting old.
BRIAN
(Breathing heavy)
I’m so out of shape. I love this rush I have though. Has neglecting my dog self aged me more or doing human things killing my dog self?
INT. GRIFFIN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHTTIME
The Griffin Family all watch the News after dinner.
They watch Trisha Takanawa doing an interview
TRISHA
I’m standing here in Quahog with this lady who is apparently the one starting a fab. My research, and not being Asian, feels it is a healthy task people forgot about to now call fabs.
(Turns to the lady)
Tell me, (NAME) what is this new fab you say is nothing for others to be adding to their daily lives?
Peter, Chris, Lois, and Meg all gasp and are happy giddy talking about that is the Lady they’ve been talking about being interviewed.
It is the lady holding a tiny dog that looks like Brian.
LADY
Well, Trisha, I simply find taking vitamins healthy and a great way to stay in shape. I have a variety I take to know he ones that make you poop are trending more. Sure, some use as a prank, where other times I use as an insult when people talk crap I tell them they are full of it and need that stuff. Worded a bit different not to nice as I chat with you, but more fun on my end when they say they only poop once or twice a month for me to comment again about how they are full of-
TRISHA
Unhealthy habits, to avoid my interview not being aired. When I retire I will release all of those clips the world has never seen as I am a professional reporter.
Brian freezes as does Stewie for them to look at one another.
The family is all excited to be talking of that being the lady they’ve been talking about.
Brian and Stewie go upstairs.
- Commercial break
ACT TWO
- Comercial break ends
INT. STEWIE’S ROOM - NIGHT TIME
Brian closes Stewie’s bedroom door.
BRIAN
Stewie! Is that! Was that-
STEWIE
Yes... our son.
BRIAN
The one from when you-
STEWIE
Yes. Genetically combined both of our DNA to make a baby with your dog DNA resulting in a pack of disgusting disfigured hybrid dog humans. Take a look at this.
Stewie pulls out a drone with cameras to upload photos of the lady with her dog, Little-Due/Brian and Stewie’s son.
BRIAN
What do we do? What if we get caught?
STEWIE
Caught? For what? You really think a dog and a baby made a mutant baby. Get real, Brian!
BRIAN
Huh? I guess you’re right. But... what do we do about it?
STEWIE
Nothing we can do. Except-
(he bite his lip to tear up and cry into Brian)
Feel like bad parents! Waaaaa! How awful are we! That should be our little miracle in our arms right now.
(Pushes himself away to wipe tear from face)
BRIAN
Wow. I guess since you were pregnant you’ve taken on all the maternal emotions that woman get when having kids.
STEWIE
At least our son has gone to a good home. Although, not sure how I feel about the name Little-Dude but as a dog, its very original.
BRIAN
(stares at photo)
Gosh. I have all these feelings inside. Most of all, I have a desire to be a part of our son’s life. Not be a dead beat dad.
STEWIE
What about Dylan?
BRIAN
(Looks down, sighs.)
It’s too late for Dylan. But, isn’t it common for people to do better with their 2nd kids than the first.
STEWIE
Hmmm, I suppose.
BRIAN
I still just feel rotten inside. I don’t own my own place, no job, I can barely take care of myself. If Dylan was dropped into my life at birth, we both would’ve died in the gutters. I wonder if I can be one of those weekend dads? You know, take Little-Dude to parks and stuff being a cheap ass and broke, but still quality time?
STEWIE
All I know, is I need to hold our son in person. I need your help for that.
BRIAN
How do I come into that?
STEWIE
You’re a dog. Just sniff.
BRIAN
Sniff? He sniffs, oh I think I smell him. Oh my god! I smell a mix of me, my mother, Lois, and oddly Babs. I had been picking it up lately, but as a dog I smell so many things. And after working with Joe a long time ago I sort of get confused what is good and bad.
(He runs to the door)
STEWIE
Brian, wait!
BRIAN
What is it? I thought you just said you wanted to meet him?
STEWIE
Yes. But, it’s 6:30 at night.
BRIAN
You’re right.
STEWIE
First thing tomorrow morning.
BRIAN
Right.
EXT. QUAHOG - BRUNCHTIME
Brian uses his dog nose to sniff out his son, Little-Dude.
Noticing how pretty the lady is he get nervous on how to approach.
Little-Dude smells Brian to whimper toward him.
LADY
(walks to Brian)
Aw! Little-Dude! Look! It’s a bigger doggy woggy version of you!
(She pets Brian on the head)
Look how cute! You two could be twinsie winsies!
BRIAN
(clears throat, nervous)
Hi, my name’s Brian!
(Hand shakes)
LADY
Brian! Nice to meet you.
(Hand shake)
I am (NAME)
BRIAN
Yeah, I saw you on the news last night.
LADY
How nice! I didn’t think anyone still watched the news. I honestly didn’t bother to watch it, but its nice to be recognized. I like being in Quahog. The people here are full of personality and I actually feel like I fit in for once in my life.
Little dude had jumped out of her arms to Brian’s and lick his face waggin’ his tail.
LADY
Little-Dude has taken a liking to you.
BRIAN
Actually, that’s why I’m here. I honestly think he’s my son.
LADY
Really! That’s perfect. I know Little-Dude was abandoned at a young age in the appropriate way with no information and not some prom night dumpster baby. Where if you have time, we can go find out for sure. I know animals know these things, but for legal purposes. I am not one to go and sure you or anything. I get and respect those who make the right decision of not bale to do something than trying and be awful at it.
BRIAN
Sure. I’ve got the whole day free. Nobody needed me today.
(He chuckles, evasive)
*Cut away*
Stewie realizes Brian is gone to leave him at home. He cries looking at photos of Little-Dude he took and sends his drone out again.
CONTINUOUS - MID DAY
Brian spends the day with the lady and his son, Little-Dude, till they can have a DNA test.
Brian feels like he is married to have the perfect baby of cuteness to post on his social media.
He posts again later to talk of how much he loves his son and ashamed of being a bad father. Dylan supports him as a bad father on social media.
The sun sets for the DNA test to show positive of Brain the father of Little-Dude.
BRIAN
You know, this was such a fantastic day. You two should come over to my house for dinner and meet my family.
LADY
That sounds amazing! Of course!
(holds and snuggles Little-Dude in front of her)
Of course we will! Right my Little-Dude! Eating is important. Oh yes! We would love to come over!
BRIAN
Great! I’ll shoot you a text with the details.
LADY
(just holds Little-Dude)
Okay! Have goodnight, Brian!
(waves Little-Dudes paw)
Bye, bye Brian, or I mean daddy!
BRIAN
Heh! Cute! Have a goodnight, (Name)
Brian returns home happy.
INT. STEWIE'S ROOM/HALLWAY - NIGHT TIME
Brian feels down when Lois and Peter read Stewie a bedtime story. He never did or could for Dylan and posted on his social media again about it would of only been the perfect day if ending doing such.
He tries to snuggle up with Peter and Lois when they lay down for bed, to be kicked out of their room cause he smells like backyard.
EXT. GRIFFIN’S BACKYARD - NIGHT TIME
Brian goes to his dog house to enjoy being outside, like a dog.
INT. GRIFFIN’S DINING ROOM - EVENING
At the dinner, everyone is happy, but Brian.
Little-Dude has spent more time with Meg to be clinging to her more and ignoring Brian.
CHRIS
So, (Name), what brought you to Quahog?
LADY
I was recently hired in to write for Seth McFarlane. He sent me here for 6 months to meet people like you all and write from real life experiences!
PETER
That sounds amazing! Say more words!
LADY
Well, ever since the Writer’s Guild of America went on strike, I have pushed myself for them to hate me doing the job of 100s all by myself in one month that takes them 3-5 years. And, I have much trauma over multiple things and if I ever spent that long on anything would be told to change, stop, or called a liar.
CHIS
Wow! That’s fantastic! You know, robots rule the world today. Once, it took hundreds of humans to do customer service and now it is all AI and virtual for just a few to rule.
LADY
Thank you, Chris! I never thought of that and will hold it close to me ready to use when needed.
PETER
Good job, son. You made her smile.
LOIS
Seth McFarlane. That is glamours. Even if many say he is toilet humor, when comparing bank accounts and asking those off the streets he is way up there for others... Well... why bother mentioning cause it only wastes effort to even try.
Dinner continues, fade.
INT/EXT. GRIFFIN’S HOUSE - NIGHT TIME
The end of the night walking to the front door.
LADY
Little-Dude! Readys to goes homes!
(squats with arms open)
He jumped right into her arms to ignore Brian.
Brian walks them out.
LADY
Thanks for inviting us, Brian. It was a great time. You have a wonderful family.
BRIAN
Anytime.
LADY
You know what! Since you had us over, it only makes sense for us to return the favor and have you over to our place. What do you say?
BRIAN
Yeah! I wouldn’t miss it!
LADY
Great! I’ll just send you a text.
BRIAN
Perfect! Now, you two get home safe.
LADY
Of course! Goodnight!
(waves Little-dudes paw)
Bye, bye daddy.
INT/EXT. OUTSIDE APARTMENT - MIDDAY
Brian isn’t sure if he should be dog or human. He paces outside the Lady’s apartment building.
He sees a park across the street and walk over to get the same rush of being a dog to help pep him up.
He rolls in the grass.
BRIAN
I wonder if my son will smell what I just rolled in?
(He sees Meg walking)
Meg! She can help me!
Brian runs to Meg.
BRIAN
Meg!
(Panting, out of breath)
MEG
Hi, Brian. Are you here to see your son? (Name) told me all about it. I think we may actually be best friends!
BRIAN
Yeah, sure, whatever. Look, I’m not sure how to go up there. I want to be involced in my son’s life. He’s a dog, think you could help me impress him?
MEG
Hmmm, what did you have in mind?
INT. LADY’S APARTMENT
Brain is on a Dog leash with Meg knocking on the Lady’s aprtmetn door.
Brian is shocked to see his son Dylan open the door.
DYLAN
Oh god! You couldn’t be more worse of a dad right now. I mean, Meg? How could you let him do this?
BRIAN
Dylan!
(Stands up)
DYLAN
He’s still a puppy! This is far too adult content for him!
(Walks away arms crossed)
BRIAN
Dylan! Wait.
(Runs inside)
Little-Dude!
Little-Dude ran and jumped into Dylan’s lap as he sat on a couch to lick his face. Dylan laughs happy.
BRIAN
I was just being a dog. Nothing like Quagmire does. Please. I mean, I couldn’t be more happy to see both of my son’s together and happy. Wow! It’s the best feeling ever, actually.
The lady walks into the room.
LADY
Sorry, Brian. Dylan. I wanted you both here for this.
(Turns to Meg)
But, cheers to my new bestie!
(clinks a beer with Meg)
DYLAN
(to Brian)
I don’t need you to ruin (name) life, as you always think you do good and are just a dead beat dad.
BRIAN
Dylan, don’t be like that.
(sad)
How do you even know her?
DYLAN
She found me. Before you. She’s the only real mother figure I have had, I think of her as an Aunt. You don’t even know how that feels. You could never be a father for me. And for him is far beyond reality. Especially with his condition.
BRIAN
Condition?
LADY
The real reason of this gathering is about my baby, Little-Dude.
(he chews on a bone)
Little-Dude!
(She calls him over)
Looks like the new meds are working well. Very well!
(pets him)
BRIAN
Meds?
LADY
Yes. Little-Dude has epilepsy. His medications costed me hundreds of dollars month until my new boss, Seth McFarlane, paid for them. That’s why his tongue hangs out. When I found out you were his father, Brian, I was so happy. I’m not asking for money. But, I know that I am going to be very busy the next few years to love a guardianship besides me to help him when he needs it!
DYLAN
What?
(upset)
LADY
I know your upset, Dylan. With your new TV show and contracts with Disney I wouldn’t want to risk you losing such an oppotunity. He is your brother and are always welcome here. But, I think Brian is perfect. Blood fater, no plans or job rarely avalible to just show up when needed You’re perfect! What do you say?
(holds document out with a pen to Brian)
BRIAN
(takes doument)
I-I don’t know what to say?
MEG
Just sign it Brian.
BRIAN
I will! I want to be there as much as I can for my son.
(turns to Dylan)
Even you, Dylan. Please? Could I have another chance? Being on a new show is fantastic!
DYLAN
Huh! Whatever. I’m out. Excuse me. Thanks for inviting me (name) I’ll catcha’ later.
LADY
By Dylan! Come back soon!
(Waves)
Little-Dude runs to Dylan and they hug and nuzzle.
Meg walks over to pick up Little-Dude.
MEG
How cute!
(Pick up Little-Dude)
Sorry, you have to stay her and let your brother go off an be successful.
DYLAN
That’s right. Thanks Meg.
(Opens the door)
Oh, and Meg-
(Looks at her)
You know, Meg, I might be able to get you a job on set.
MEG
(gasp)
Really!
DYLAN
Yeah! They prefer basic plain woman to not distract the crew and talent.
(He walks out the door)
And... After being in Hollywood, basic plain women are real to me, keep it real meg.
(Winks, shuts door)
Brian signs the contract to be happy when Little-Dude smells the thing he rolled in.
BRIAN
You smell that? You like it? I mean, its not good, but as dogs-
Little-Dude runs to the lady as she sat on the couch.
Brian is sad.
INT. GOLDMAN’S PHARMACY
Brian visits the pharmacy.
BRIAN
Hey, Mort.
MORT
Hi, Brian! Normally, you know I kick dogs out. However, (Name) submitted you as guardianship over Little-Dude. I never saw that coming in this weeks episode. Anyways, I must you ask to leave because his prescription was just filled and not ready till next month.
BRIAN
I know. I was just wondering if you could tell me how much my son’s medications are. I’ve realized I’ve failed in life as a father.
MORT
And being successful in life.
(He types into his computer)
BRIAN
Yeah...
(looks down sad)
MORT
Please don’t be down in my store. It ruins buisness.
A man and woman walk into the store.
MAN
Look, post cards.
WOMAN
Who sends these?
MAN
Honey look, a depressed dog. We should go somewhere else.
WOMAN
You’re right. Thanks for being such a good husband.
The couple exits the store.
MORT
Here we go. If this Seth McFarlane wasn’t paying for them it looks like a 30 day supply would cost $400, even with insurance.
BRIAN
Four-hundred dollars! That’s outragesous!
MORT
What’s outragous is people spend money like that on animals to be frowned upon and many families with children need to spend that to not and are prasie.
(looks down sad)
Sad.
BRIAN
Thanks, Mort. Seeya.
MORT
Anytime, Brian. Make sure you tell everyone how great your visit was. And that Google all about it. I guess he’s a real deal these days all are into. Even my son.
CONTINOUS - DAY TIME
Brian gets a quote on the vet bills associated with.
BRIAN
$1,100 dollars!
VET
For one visit and not everything else.
Brian went to a fast food chain to do an interview.
BRIAN
$400!
MANAGER
Tops, one week. And $1,000ish for a month.
Brian walks out adding costs on his phone to subtract what he would make at a fast food place to end up with a negative number.
He sees a bus go by with an ad for Quahog Community College to visit it.
BRIAN
$7,000 dollars!
DEAN
For one semester, not including books or anything else. If we were s state college, *tssss*, add a couple zeros and another number with a comma, and probably another number. Who knows, I’ve been doing this for 30 years. Inflation scares me and I am stuck as this cause I can’t afford to move either.
Brian has a negative of $21,278 dollars on his phone now.
BRIAN
I’m a failure...
He gets a text from Dylan being told he put Brian down on his college applications as a dead beat dad cause it makes him look good and if he does that I guess he does take after his asshole dad.
EXT. DOG PARK - AFTERNOON
Brian returns to the dog park, to find joy in running around with a pack again.
Until, he falls again pooping, to not land in it this time, but have the pack turn on him.
He got booted down to old dogs.
OLD DOG
Hey, hey, heeyyyy!
BRIAN
(walks over)
What?
OLD DOG
You’re no longer spire. Time to accept your place. Join us.
ALL OLD DOGS
Join us! Brian...
BRIAN
What? No! I just fell. I’ll be back tomorrow and back in the pack.
OLD DOG
Don’t waste your energy. Just accept it and adjusting is easier. I mean, we lay around all day and people love us for it. Cling to the oldest person in your family, cause I smell baby and puppy and a sexy woman on you, try the old life. You’ll, like it.
BRIAN
Hmmm, whatever.
Sad, Brian sees Mr. And Mrs. Pewterschmit (Lois’ parents) to run over to them across from the park.
BRIAN
Mr. and Mrs. Pweterschmit. Hey. Think I could spend the day with you guys?
MR. PEWTERSCHMIT
Look, Babs, its that animal that lives with our Duaghter. Ummm...
BRIAN
You don’t remember me?
MRS. PEWTERSCHMIT
It’s Brian, dear. Right? What are you doing out here all by yoursefl without a leash.
MR. PEWTERSCHMIT
Yeah. I better put one on you before we get a fine for this. Damn Peter!
(clinches fist)
What were we doing?
MRS. PEWTERSCHMIT
Going to your colonoscapy examn. It’s right here in this building. Better give Brian one of your meds to keep him calm.
(Shoves pill up his butt)
Brian struggles to accept the pill and relax almost instantly.
He spends the rest of the day being old with them.
CONTINUOUS
Brian enjoyed the fancy life, but also having everything old person-like, mushy food, someone to clean you up after the bathroom, getting to cut in line, told being cute when grumpy or creepy, and then going to bed early and waking up early with naps throughout the day.
He finds he doesn’t need alcohol to get him through so much.
Peter hears of this, after Brian’s been gone a week, to go and take Brian back as his dog.
In the process, accidentally, Peter hurts Brian.
EXT. GRIFFIN’S BACK YARD
Now, Brian can’t jump or climb the stairs.
Peter is sorry and forgot he was old to send him balloons, flowers, and eaten chocolates with sorry notes to his dog house.
Brian is more down than ever.
BRIAN
I have no job, live in a dog house, failed in being father with Dylan
(paces around with a limp)
can’t be a dog for Little-Dude, not healing from this injury like I used to be able to, and drifting away from my family.
(he looks inside the house)
Peter and Chris start to joke around and rough house, for meg to walk in and be chased by both and tackled through the wall to break the exterior wall of the house.
Brian adds another $10,000 to his calculator on his phone.
He falls onto the grass.
BRIAN
What do I do? What haven’t I done to be here right now. Just like this?
Brian lays in the back yard for days and eats out of a dog bowl with regular dog food to find he loves dog food.
ACT THREE
Meg is filling up Brian’s dog food.
BRIAN
(sniffs)
What is this? It smell different.
MEG
It’s beef instead of chicken. We ran out of the other for me to buy you a new one.
BRIAN
Oh, thanks, Meg.
MEG
Look, I know you’ve been out here moping and all for my psychology books to say to leave you alone and let things fester into whatever. But, if you could take a break from that to drive me to (names) I would appreciate that very much. We’re going to the dog park to public drink and make middle-aged and oldies question the world when two fine bitches like us are doing that and not some homeless druggies people. That stereotype is now gender flopped with new aspects.
BRIAN
Sure. I think I need some time away from home. And see my son, of course.
EXT. DOG PARK - NOON
Brian drives Meg to the dog park. He is nervous to see his son.
LADY
Meg!
MEG
(Name)
Meg and (name) girly greet and then pull out liquor in brown bags to start drinking.
Brian sits on a bench watching the girls to then see his son was shaking scared. He stnad up fast to approach him.
BRIAN
Little-Dude! What’s wrong!
(He looks around the park)
Is it all the dogs? I get it, you’re the smallest one here.
(He sits like a dog)
Yeah, small dogs are lucky cause they only really need a bathroom worth of room and if a bunny can be caged in less that
(laughs)
Who wouldn’t keep a dog above that.
Little-Dude whimpers.
BRIAN
Don’t worry!
(Gets on all fours, waggin tail to make him wag)
I know this place. Come on. I’ll show you.
(Little-Dude yelps happy)
There’s apond, for ducks, don;t bother chasing them, they can fly and no matter how hard we jump, we can not. Then, we have the joggers who prefer the dog park with less joggers to seem more healthy than others. Oh-
(Growls lowly)
That there is a pack of assholes!
(The pack he ran with)
I think most of them are strays.
(Chuckles)
If the dog pound was called, hmmm-
(he thinks)
Little-Dude barks at a squirrel.
BRIAN
Squirrel! Get him! Rough, rough, rough!
(Chases the squirrel)
Brian had so much fun chasing a Squirrel around the park with his son. Even being a dad to force the squirrel to his son as a parent or dog pack does. Both bark and lean on a tree as it ran up it for safety.
OLD DOG
Pssst!
BRIAN
Good Job! Keep letting him know we’ll get him. I’ll be right back.
(Walks to the old dogs)
What do you want?
OLD DOG
Look, we are old, and with that being said, if we knew you had a son, we’d never tell you to be old. I mean, that asshole pack, none of them even have their balls. If you ask us, we think there strays. You ain’t nothin’ on the streets without balls. And noboyd, I say nobody is better than a parent protecting their young. Good job.
ALL OLD DOGS
Good job!
BRIAN
Thanks. That means a lot. I’m trying really hard. You all, have a good day.
Brain is feeling a little better after time with is son at the park paying attention to him only.
LADY
Little-Dude!
MEG
Brian!
LADY
I’m sorry, Brian. I have to take him to a check up to verify the medications are working.
BRIAN
No, I get it. This was great. I know you and Meg are having such a good time. I can take him for you.
LADY
Really! That’s great!
(to Meg)
Meg, let’s go to the clam! We need to fully celebrate you going to college for somthing you love!
MEG
Yes! Thank you! Thank you so much! It’s all because of you! You’re the only person to ever care and inspire me. Like really.
LADY
Aww! And your the first one to deal with my crazy and keep up dirnking.
(Grabs her hand to skip)
Let’s go! I’m buying!
MEG
No, let’s put it all on my dad’s tab that my mom puts on my grandma’s tab to make my grandfather question.
BRIAN
Oh, now I get it. Ha! Babs and her clam bills.
*CUT AWAY WHEN BRIAN WAS BEING OLD WITH THE PEWTERSHCMITS*
The lady and Meg go to the bar and celebrate Meg going to college for psychology.
INT. VET OFFICE - AFTERNOON
At the Vet, Brian sighed getting a receipt paid for by Seth McFarlane of the visit to walk into the examination room.
BRIAN
(sad)
I’m sorry, Little-Dude. I wish I was a provider for you. I could never afford this. You’d be dead in my care. I’m a terrible father.
Little-Dude talks human.
LITTLE-DUDE
Dad, yo! Stop being such a sorry ass for yourself. I mean, we’re dogs! It ain’t normal for me to ever know our parents after 8 weeks. I think you’re great. Before I was pissing and licking myself like a girl! Now, I’m a full dude! A little one, that you can pick up and have 10x’s more fun as (lady says) and hoenstly I don’t understand how a dog and baby are my real parents, but do you hate me to be a dog and in that chest of that fine sexy (name) all the time! To add in, you’ve never raped me either as incest is a terrible thing in the world today for dogs that they make the test tube dogs seem more awful and when will we have our day to say and take a stand? Brian, Daddy! I love you! I really do! But, I choose dog first, over human. And Dylan, he can go F*** himself. He does and doesn’t know if he is striaght, gay, trans, I mean, I wouldn’t wanthis life, but the money is good. Don’t let him et to you. Now, I wanna sniff some butts, can we go back to the park?
BRIAN
(smiles)
Yes, yes, lets go sniff some butts.
Brian is happy to find out his son does like him. They hug.
The Close
CONTINUOUS
That he is a dog who has lived a great life with great people. He is confident to return to his human lifestyle including more dog traits with the Griffins. Not caring if he doesn’t have a job and that he is loved and loves all those around him.
Brian has been taking his son to parks on weekends for weeks.
As a dad and accepting he is an old man, he accomplished the same as others have and more are sad they did not get to have.
He looks through a variety of photos he has been taking of and with Little-Dude.
Especially getting to talk human and know Little-Dude is half human and half dog to be just like him and a lot of Lois from Stewie’s DNA.
He even managed to see Dylan on the TV set after failing in the past many times to sit with Little-Dude on his lap next to (lady) in the audience giving Dylan a thumbs up.
Brain made a photo album of his legacy with his sons and his family the Griffin’s.